Some exciting news and a little bit of mindfulness

✫I have some exciting news - I have been chosen as a blogger to appear on MyBump2Baby. This is an incredible website and directory for parents and fantastic for businesses who need advertising space. Please check out the link below ↓↓✫

I am one of MyBump2Baby’s favourite bloggers

As mentioned in my previous blog I have decided to write about a few tips and tricks that have really worked to help sort out my head space during this pregnancy.

A little bit of background.....(here goes)..... Following the birth of my daughter I suffered from postnatal depression, anxiety and OCD. Fortunately I saw an incredible health visitor who picked it up at the 6 week check, she contacted my GP and I was seen later that afternoon. The hardest bit was gearing up to the appointment to actually say "I don't feel right", I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, I just knew I didn't feel right and I was doing things that weren't normal. I'd constantly check the monitor to check my daughter was breathing, if I didn't she would die. I couldn't leave her in a separate room to me, because someone would kidnap her if I did. I would constantly check her temperature, if she was to hot she will die. My thoughts were completely irrational and so black and white. My general mood had also slumped, I felt so low, so empty and not myself. I don't ever remember feeling overwhelmed, but more obsessed with doing certain activities to keep my daughter alive. The hardest 'thought' I had was someone kidnapping her, I remember one night I woke up and was completely convinced that someone was in the house and they were going to take her, I searched the house and ended up in the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognise myself at all, it was like a stranger was looking at me. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night, and from that night on I kept waking up thinking a figure was stood at the end of the bed near the Moses basket. Every time I woke in the night I would see that figure, but oddly as time went on I felt like it was there to keep my daughter safe from the kidnappers .... now, I do realise this sounds crazy, but when your sleep deprived, struggling with feeding, a first time mum, and adjusting to this new life, its difficult to realise whats 'normal' or 'not normal'. I know about the baby blues, postnatal depression, postnatal phychosis etc but when your the new mum it just becomes about getting from day to day. I will forever be grateful for my GP for encouraging me to start treatment, as a nurse I really didn't want to take antidepressants and have the label of 'depression' but I had to do it, and I did it for my daughter. I also had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), that was amazing for the anxiety and the OCD side of how I was feeling. I had face to face sessions for around 5/6months, my friends were amazing. I only told a few people and they helped by watching my daughter so I could attend. so THANK YOU, they know who they are.

These days I'd say the anxiety side is really well controlled, as is the depression. However, following my 20 week scan and moving house I started to not feel right again. I felt really low, tired, I felt I had no room in my brain to care for anyone, I literally felt that 'fog' id often heard about with depression. I realise now that it is because I didn't allow myself to just digest the information, and get to grips with the fact that my babies foot was not my fault and it was simply just 'one of them things'. My consultant for the PND suggested I see my GP to talk about adjusting my meds or having some time off. So off I went to see my GP and she signed me off work - I really didn't want to be signed off but my goodness am I glad she did! During the time I had off I just took my brain back to basics, I tried to find enjoyment in the little things like reading, seeing friends, going for walks etc. Here's a list of what helped me the most:

→Friends←

Just be honest and talk about how your feeling. I felt vulnerable and embarrassed about explaining how I felt, especially as I felt I was repeating myself with my worries. My friends never ever made me feel like I was being annoying or inconveniencing them, I' m just so grateful I could just 'be' around them. Even if it meant sitting in silence with rubbish on TV - so thank you!

If anyone is feeling the way I have described, please please please talk to someone. Its amazing how many people have felt like the above, their advice and their shoulder to cry on is worth feeling a little bit naked as you take a deep breath to say how you really feel.

→Exercise←

Now, I say exercise quite loosely....I literally mean a small walk! With my pregnancy I have PGP and the pain doesn't allow for nice long strolls in the wood, but getting outside for a little wonder works a treat.

→Getting out←

Just get out! no matter how much you want to just be in a dark room in bed, make sure you at least step out into your back garden to see the fresh air. I have had days where all I want to do is close my eyes and never leave my bed, and to be honest some days I did do just that. But then I made sure I picked up my phone to arrange to see a friend or said to my husband 'lets go out for coffee tomorrow'. I treated it almost like a backwards reward, I can have a moping day but ONLY if I make plans.

→Books←

Fearne cottons books are amazing. I have read her 'Happy' book, which I would highly recommend. It focuses on letting go of perfect and being happy. And that's exactly what I needed to hear! I needed to know its okay to be a bit faulty and just embrace everything. Our own fears are what limit us and all that ... words I needed to hear. The 'happy journal' I have also been doing, a bit sporadically I must admit, but the questions really make you think. They are really basic questions but they get you thinking and are sometimes quite hard to answer. I have the 'Calm' book ready for when I go on mat leave to work my way through.

A friend of mine also brought my a Mindfulness book that's been really good to dip in and out of. Its called 'The little book of mindfulness', I love that it goes through the history of how mindfulness came about and you only need to do 10 minutes a day.

→Doing something for you←

I'v chosen to do yoga at a local NCT group. I love the thought of yoga and wanted something that would be my one on one time with my baby as well. One of my friends did swimming and spinning up until the week before she had her baby. Having something for you is so so important. I have found since doing this blog, that this counts a little bit as something for me.

✮✮✮

Since doing all of the above I am genuinely in much better place, 14 weeks on and I definitely feel like me again. It always surprises me how easy it is to fall down and how long it takes to get back up again. I can honestly say I am grateful for the roller coasters once I am back up again, as each time I've learnt something new or have achieved something new. Each time I have reached out for professional help and personal help, I think a lot of the time you need both to just ensure you don't fall down too far.

Anyway thank you for listening to the above, I' m sorry if it has upset anyone but I just want to be honest and share my story. On a MUCH lighter note, I am so excited to say that Saturday night is my last night shift before I go on maternity leave! Now I really have to get my butt in gear and start getting organised for baby.... who I must add I CAN'T wait to meet and give a big cuddle.