So your 20 week scan didn't go as you thought, what now?

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I felt finding out at 20 weeks that something was different with my baby. I have a lot of lovely friends who are expecting, and have had their 20 week scans, or are due. Admittedly I have been anxious leading up to their scans, and wait for messages about how it went. Rationally I know the chances are slim that anything will be wrong with their little babies, but I can't help but feel that odd pang of anxiousness for them.

Initially I felt a bit silly feeling like this, and a little uncertain as to why I was getting that feeling of anxiety wash over me every now and again, knowing that the scans are coming up. I have now put it down to the fact that I just care a lot about my friends and their babies, and I just don't want them to feel that feeling of complete despair that your body has somehow let you down, you have done something wrong, the 'it could be worse' feeling that your just not ready to feel positive about. The weird feeling that you have to 'break' the news to everyone and add the words 'but everything else is okay, but we need to be referred to the specialists'. Its just something you never expect to say when your pregnant.

The part I found the hardest was finding support, it did take me a while to want to be able to find the support, and feel ready to dive into a world I knew nothing about. So I thought id write a few blogs about limb difference support groups, but I think I'm going to start with a sort of 'top tips' of trying to muddle through your feelings. This is how I personally felt able to cope/rationalise/accept how I felt, this is by no means professional advice but it might help someone else, whether they are in the same or different situation. 

1) Its okay to cry, and to cry a lot. Don't beat yourself up by thinking other people have it worse, or what ever has been picked up at your scan isn't a big deal. Because it is a big deal. It is a big deal to YOU and anything that is different about your baby feels massive. when we were first told, I literally burst into tears and could not stop crying, no matter how hard I tried. Every time I opened my mouth to speak or ask a question I would just cry more. It was very bizarre and out of my control.

2) Its okay to automatically go to feeling guilty, but only let it be a visitor. Don't let the feeling of guilt consume you and leave you feeling depressed. Even if it is Genetic, and yes it comes from you but you didn't ask to have it or to pass it on to your children.

3) Its okay to only tell those you want to, and to ask them not to tell others. You might find you feel extremely protective about the whole situation, and almost like you want to keep those words and feelings safe. My son is my second child, and I remember feeling protective during my first pregnancy and it feeling very primal, however this time I felt like a lion protecting my kids from a panther or something. It surprised me just how protective I felt and oddly enough I felt more protective of my daughter, and how it could affect her (if we needed hospital stays, additional care etc).

4) Its okay to not be okay. I'll admit I completely fell apart - I just couldn't function. It was very bizarre, I felt like I was in this weird fog, my brain felt like it didn't work, but it felt completely occupied at the same time. I couldn't sleep properly, because I felt wired but I also felt completely exhausted. I felt like I couldn't have a conversation without it feeling like a marathon both mentally and physically. I just felt like a shadow of myself, and if I'm honest I did try and let myself feel it to hopefully move past it. And I did - my doctor signed me off work and it was just what I needed. I just didn't have to head space for work. That 2 weeks made a huge difference - and thats when I started this blog!

5) Its okay to deal with it differently to your partner. Everyone deals with these things differently and thats totally okay. Try mindfulness books, walking, running, binge watched a series, looking for support, writing, or simply just carry on and deal with it all when the baby is here. There is not right or wrong answer when it comes to dealing with stress.

6) Its okay to feel overwhelmed. You'll be entering a world of extra scans, specialists, more appointments, more questions, and words you haven't even heard of ... and thats just while your pregnant. Its a whole new world and they are all there for you. Just make sure you take time to digest information, ask questions over and over again, and most importantly talk to your midwife when you need to. You might even have a consultant you can speak to regularly. All of this can simply feel overwhelming, your trying to understand something that might never have crossed your mind. And now your trying to digest it enough to then be able to tell your family and friends what has been said. And don't forget its okay to just say 'I don't remember' or 'I\m not sure' if you haven't processed it enough to explain to anyone. 

7) Its okay to feel disconnected from your baby. As much as I don't want to admit it, I definitely struggled to bond with my bump following the scan. I can't even explain why or how the bond did eventually come. I struggled feeling the kicks, I struggling to think what my baby would look like. I was worried I wouldn't 'like' what my babies foot would look like. I know it is vein to say and some might even say horrible, but we all know what a foot with 5 toes looks like, even though we don't exactly know what the babies will look like. But what does one toe look like? what does a incomplete foot look like?. I knew I didn't want to google what it could look like, I had a feeling it would just show me the most awful pictures and they wouldn't even be what my babies foot looked like.