Baby feet

I have always loved baby feet. As far as feet go they are just the most adorable little things. I remember at my 20 week scan the sonographer putting the probe on my belly and saying "I just love baby feet, they are my favourite part to scan", low and behold the first thing we saw were two little feet. I noticed one foot was clearer than the other but didn't think much of it as I am definitely not a pro at ultrasound scans and know babies can manage to hide certain parts of their body and be tricky customers. We had a trainee monographer who was previously a midwife and was so lovely. I don't mind having students practicing their skills on me, and if anything see it as a more thorough scan. I noticed that she seemed to be scanning for a while and was struggling to get a good view of the feet, it was at this point her mentor took over and did the whole scan again (obviously much faster) and pointed out all the vital parts. Again she struggled to get a proper view of the feet, but baby was having a good wiggle and kick, she asked us to go for a walk and come back in about 5/10 minutes. We had to do this with my daughter to get her untucked form the corner of my uterus to try and see the kidneys and bottom of the spine. So we took the walk we did the time before and came back to sit down.

We were called in again very quickly and sonographer went straight to the legs and feet. She scanned for about 5 minutes and I just enjoyed seeing my baby wiggling around. Shortly after she stopped scanning and turned to us, put her hand on my leg and said "Theres no easy way to say this, but it looks like your babies foot hasn't developed properly" she reassured us that everything else appeared to be perfectly fine and formed but we would need to go to St. Georges for further in-depth scans to just double check ... this is where I just burst into tears. Tears I had never cried before, they were uncontrollable and took my breath away ... I blamed myself. It's my fault. Was it because of the meds I was on? was I not looking after myself enough?. I just never thought I would be in this situation. I mean who does? Your 20 week scan these days is known as the 'gender scan' rather than the anomaly scan.

From my previous post this is something that a few mums messaged me about. They said at the 20 week scan you just don't think your going to be told something is wrong or different with your baby, your asked "did you find out the gender?" by excited friends and family. Don't get me wrong its an extremely exciting time, after waiting 8 weeks from the last scan and knowing you won't see your baby until its born, the 20 week scan is probably the one that is most looked forward to ... I know I was super excited but also really nervous. 

So, off we went to St Georges on the Friday before Christmas. My dad drove us as we had been advised that the parking is a nightmare and in hindsight the stress of not having to park was just what I needed. We sat in the waiting room, for what felt like ages (and it was, they were running over an hour late). I looked around the room at all the families there and wondering what they were here for. Being very British I didn't think it would be appropriate to strike up conversation with those around me. Why do we do that? It could have been what we all needed. Most of us did that awkward smile and "hi" as we squeezed into a seat and quickly got our phones out ... the classic waiting room pose. Once called in we met a lovely lady who started scanning and asking the usual questions and checked we knew why we were there. Once again it confirmed that everything was perfect with the baby and it was just the foot, obviously the baby had to have its feet by its "bits" - we didn't want to know what we are having and spent a lot of time looking away! We then met the professor who did another full scan, he flicked onto the 4D setting and my heart melted. Seeing the nose, lips and the baby all curled up, I just wanted to kiss my baby, tell it everything will be okay and its already the most beautiful little monster around. The professor showed us the foot in 4D but baby had its ankles crossed and we didn't get a full view, but I could see the foot was smaller than the other and that were was definitely one big two and what looked like a diagonal line down the foot (if that makes any sense). The professor was brilliant - he told us that the ankle couldn't be seen properly so we will have to wait and see what the function is like when baby is here. We will be put in contact with the paediatric orthopaedic and plastics team once baby is born, however there is no urgency and nothing will probably be done until the baby is walking. The NICU nurse in me cringed! I just want dates, times, appointments, everything now. I want a plan ... BUT the rational mum side of me was relived that as nothing needs doing now then it is not that bad. We were sent away with no further follow up and to continue as a normal pregnancy - brilliant news but I' m tempted with a private scan just to see the baby and its foot before its here.

I think being in my line of work does make you realise that families do go through the heartbreak of learning their baby has something wrong, whether its a heart defect, something wrong with their brain, the baby is to small, the placenta isn't working, the list could go on. I always wondered how these parents seem so "okay" when their baby is born. Another mum said that after her son was born it was a little bit easier being able to actually see him, see how he was doing and start helping him. I have no idea how you would come to terms with knowing your baby has a congenital, genetic, or syndrome that is life changing. I am in awe of these people. 

The next few weeks after my 20 week scan I don't think I really accepted the news, I spoke to certain friends and family about it and said what I felt were the right things but deep down inside I just couldn't digest the information. I noticed I'd look at babies feet a lot more at work, id look at my daughters feet more than usual, I couldn't shake the feeling of what it would mean for my kid being different. I worried about what others would think more than anything ... I'm now in that place where it is their own problem if they don't like it.

(I couldn't find any pictures of my daughters feet but here are her new shoes 😍)

In my last post I mentioned I wasn't ready to look up support, or look up much to do with missing digits. well I have had a little break through, I have added some pages on instagram about kids with missing limbs. Theres a heavy focus on arms/hands missing which is affectionately known as a fin (which ill add I find adorable and is based around the fish in 'Finding Nemo' with a poorly fin), there are support groups for this but I'm struggling to find any for feet and toes. I am aware that having an arm\hand thats missing is more obvious than a foot and getting the word out there is so important to normalise it, as it is normal - uniquely normal 💛. Hopefully in due time and having time to research I will find some more information to share.

Now, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has read and shared my previous post. Please keep sharing and help me in my search for other families with kids with missing limbs whether it be a fin, a flipper, a finger, a toe!

Twitter: afarmandababy

instagram: afarmandababy

facebook: @afarmandababy